I am falling behind. I have a hundred blog posts in my head and half started, but this one was longing to be written.
This weekend I officially joined a fitness place, and went to a class Saturday morning. I like it because the music is good and motivating and they tell you what to do constantly so you don’t have to think. During the floor exercises, when I was lifting weights I saw myself in the mirror, and somehow in the combination of music, adrenaline, and tingling of my soft muscles that had gone unused basically since November, I looked myself right in the eye and thought, “You are not dead.” “I’m not dead.”
I felt like a piece of me, half of me, sometimes more, died last June. In my post 6 months, an open letter to my love, I mention that sometimes I feel Tim would be disappointed in me. I don’t think he’d be disappointed in me when I do what I have to do to heal, or to survive, when I allow the kids more screen time than I ever would have “before,” but I think he’d be disappointed in me when I do more of the holding on, the feeling sorry for myself, the wallowing.
Tim had a complicated relationship with death. I believe now it was mostly a result of not ever experiencing it up really close. I think he was mostly afraid of it. Having experienced it up really close, as close as it gets, I can say there is a beauty in the sadness. This is something I’ve heard from other widows too. Living up close to death seems to be the only thing that can truly rid us of our fear of it.
But it is a challenge to always look at the positive, look for the good, find the silver lining. When I hold on too much, is when I think Tim would be disappointed. When I do things for other people, or for appearances. He always hated that. He’d tell me if he could to keep living. He’d tell me that I don’t have to wait a certain amount of time for anything; that there is no formula; that weeks, months, years from now, he will still be dead. He’d tell me: Don’t miss out on anything today because you are simply missing me and feeling sorry for yourself.
I can both love Tim, and be alive. I can stretch, strain, and push all my muscles. I am reminded of this in music. And I felt like it was a nudge from Tim that gave me that thought. It may seem overwhelming how much life I have left without him. But I have it. I have to accept that. I am not dead. And there is great beauty in that if I can find it. And live it.
My sister-in-law asked me after Tim died if I hear every song differently now, and I really do. Every love song has a different kind of meaning by me ears. All of them.
I really love Ed Sheeran’s song Photograph, and when I heard it the first time after Tim died, I heard it with new ears, and it resounded with me in many ways.
Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it’s the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel aliveWe keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
And time’s forever frozen stillSo you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me closer ’til our eyes meet
You won’t ever be alone, wait for me to come homeLoving can heal, loving can mend your soul
And it’s the only thing that I know, know
I swear it will get easier,
Remember that with every piece of you
Hm, and it’s the only thing we take with us when we die….~ Ed Sheeran, Photograph