One Year later, let me tell you about right now

Dear Tim,

A year ago, I wrote Let me Tell you about right now .

The very next day, my dad died.

I have not written much in this last year. It’s not because I didn’t have anything to say, or because I stopped liking to write, because those are far from true. I think it was partially based on anxiety, fear, and a focus on survival. I also think it is because of the judgment. So much concern for judgment this year. Worry about calculated risk, acceptance and perception. This year has been full of death, fear, anxiety. The mental and physical toll have been high, all around the world. And I am sure, too, that they will be felt for years to come.

You will be happy to know that they are having March Madness this year.

In a year, as a people, we have adjusted, adapted to a new way of life, for better, and for worse.

Your crew has as well. The kids wear masks when needed without complaints. They ask good, thoughtful questions, and we’ve had so many difficult/ good conversations. They love any opportunity for human connection. They have too much screen time, undoubtedly. They fight with each other. When its important, they comfort each other. We survived school being cancelled for the year – then an all virtual start, then Covid itself and isolation, other health challenges, lack of our previous childcare support availability, and so much more. So much more, yet so much less than others. I have stayed employed throughout the pandemic, and for this and so much more I am grateful.

There are more moments than I want to count when I’m not proud of my parenting. There are some very dark moments.

It’s spring again, and there is hope in the air. There are vaccines, there is sun and warmer weather coming. Although there is still future uncertainty.

I find myself thinking the most about things we want to return to, and things we want to leave behind in “the before times.”

On the whole, I think you would be proud, of all of us. That’s all I can do. Keep living in a way that I think would make you proud.

Always,

MaryBeth

Author: marybethgaige

Mother. Sister. Daughter. Widow. Friend. Worker. Lover.

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