After a big exhausting 6th birthday tea-party on Saturday, I fell asleep on the couch watching a movie with the girls. Just completely exhausted. That made the girls bedtime a blur… D was up a few times, but my sister got him, so I was able to sleep. She even got up with him in the morning, so I woke up next to R, with a start. I realized I had to leave immediately or I’d miss my class at the gym, so I jumped up. I was confused because I had just woken from a dream.
As I was getting ready and working out, it was a dream I couldn’t stop thinking about… Tim was in it. Those happen less often these days, but I wonder if they will ramp up this April-May-June time automatically like they did last year. In this dream, I can’t remember hearing his voice, but I remember him leaning against the kitchen counter, larger than life, as always. I remember that my dear friend, and D’s Godmother was visiting, and he wanted to tell me something privately, so he asked me to follow him to the garage (or somehow communicated this to me, because again, I can’t remember hearing his voice). This was not strange. Tim loved my friends, and this friend specifically, but if he wanted to talk to me privately he would. I assume this is a common marriage thing… in the confusion, I remember hearing R say she wanted me to help her with something, and telling her I’d be right back… I remember Tim was wearing a favorite pair of red-plaid pajama pants and a favorite long sleeve polo that had orange and green stripes and I remember thinking what a strange combo. And I remember him looking slightly hunched, as though he was in pain. I separated myself and went after him… he had just gone into our garage, closing the door behind him, such an ordinary thing… but when I opened the garage door he was not there. There was R on the floor of the garage, looking through an old dresser with interest. She looked up and said, “Mom, great! I need your help…” I glanced up/around the garage looking for Tim. He was no where to be found. And then I woke up. And she was lying in bed next to me.
For a little while after I woke up I was fixated on Tim. Those fleeting moments of seeing him in a dream, I treasure. It was a little while before I realized its symbolism. As though, I could hear him in my heart saying to me, “All the big moments I am not here for, I know are hard on you… all of you. You wish I could be here, I know. Come to the garage, I have a message for you.”… And there she is. A reminder of 1/3 of the Tim that is still here.
This birthday, every single time she blew out her candle (there were 3) she remarked that her one wish was for her daddy to come back. Tonight she said she knows that some people have wishes that are a little silly. She said she knows that her wish is both happy and sad.
This is 6.