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A Letter to Tim at Nine Years

Dear Tim,

Today it’s been 9 years since you drew your last breaths on this earth.

I realize I’ve now been a widow longer than I was a wife, and that fact is mind blowing.

The kids talked to me in advance about this day, and so I asked them this year what they wanted to do today. Their choice was to wear something of one of your favorite sports teams.

Today was the opening of the World Cup. Of course I thought of you immediately when I saw that on the calendar. You would have been absolutely loving it, and I know you would have had plans to watch all the games!

I planned a regular full day of work today because I worked a short day yesterday to volunteer at field day (an activity I KNOW you would have loved!) and I’m heading out west tomorrow to celebrate Anne’s PhD! It means a lot to me that I can get out there for this celebration since we missed her wedding when you were in the hospital.

I tried to schedule today as a normal day, but today is never normal. I felt so very tired, and so heavy all day today. I felt like I was trying to move through the day through thick fog. This evening, I was so glad to have my mom and my big sister here with us. And yet it was still heavy. Kiddos had big emotions today. I have to accept that it is unavoidable.

I think you’d be proud of us all though.

I am so grateful that after 9 years we were still able to get a big group to celebrate your memory with us at the 2026 Memorial Sporting Event, and that in your memory, we empowered communities through the power of food! Our events were early this year (due to the World Cup) but we got to witness a W for the Nats and a tie for DC United.

Next month, for Rosie’s birthday gift, we are going to see Alex Warren in concert. You would have loved taking these guys to a pop concert. Interestingly, this artist sings a lot about his parent’s (and especially his dad’s death) and I think is a big part of what draws our kids to his music.

I’m still navigating raising this crew without you. Your greatest legacy. I miss you with all my heart. I hope you are at peace. And I can not wait to see you again.

Love Always, MaryBeth

A selfie I loved from the moment you sent it to me.

“But it feels like an eternity
Since I had you here with me
Since I had to learn to be
Someone you don’t know
To be with you in paradise
What I wouldn’t sacrifice
Why’d you have to chase the light
Somewhere I can’t go?
As I walk this world alone”

-Alex Warren

2026 Tim Gaige Memorial Sporting Choose your own adventure – May 16

Friends and family,

We’ve had such a wonderful time over the last few years remembering Tim through Sports!

In 2018, when I first started the Annual Tim Gaige Memorial Event, I wrote about why. I still want to do this for all those reasons, to bring together those who loved him to remember him in a very Tim-way for the kids, and most especially to give back.

Last year, when I had differing opinions from the kids over a local Baseball or Soccer game, I asked myself: What Would Tim do?

There was only one answer: Tim would do both!

So this year – we are doing it again! We usually do this in June, but there are no MLS games in June this year due to the World Cup. (World Cup games actually start this year on June 11^th on Tim’s Deathaversary.)

Please note: Last year, I tried separating the donation, but that didn’t work out as I expected, so I am building it back into the ticket price, and will make the donation that way on your behalf.

Again this year, in memory of Tim, we will be giving to World Central Kitchen (WCK). WCK is first to the frontlines, providing fresh meals in response to humanitarian, climate, and community crises. In memory of Tim Gaige, help us empower communities through the power of food!

So I bring you again:

Tim Gaige Memorial 2026 – Choose your own adventure!

Adventure #1: The Baseball ⚾️

Details: Join us at Nationals Park starting as early as 2:50pm on Saturday May 16, 2026! This year we will have the Swing Big Beer Pan for the entire game from an amazing view in center field as the Washington Nationals take on the Baltimore Orioles at home at Nats Park! This dedicated space gives us an opportunity to gather and enjoy each other’s company in a private standing room hospitality area that comes with a beer cart and dedicated bartender. Tickets are $75 each, which includes a $35 concession credit usable anywhere in the ballpark. And $10 of your ticket, I will donate to World Central Kitchen: https://donate.wck.org/TimMemorial

Adventure #2: The Soccer ⚽️

Details: Join us immediately after the Nats game or whenever works for you on Saturday May 16th, prior to the 7:30pm start, as D.C. United take on the Saint Louis City SC at home at Audi Field! Tickets are $50 each for our group. We will be in sections 110 and 210. You are on your own for food in one of the many great food option in the stadium. We’ll plan on meeting at Tim’s brick around 6:30pm for a group photo. $10 of your ticket, I will donate to World Central Kitchen: https://donate.wck.org/TimMemorial

Adventure #3: The Baseball ⚾️ AND The Soccer ⚽️

Details: HOURS of fun on May 16th with the Gaiges remembering Tim for two great sporting events! (Adventures 1 + 2 = 3)

Adventure #4: I don’t live locally, and/or can’t make either game, but want to participate!

Details: If you would like to donate a ticket or two to a family, since a day out like this can be a lot for a big family, I will take the donation and coordinate accordingly. OR you can also make a donation of your choosing in Tim’s name: https://donate.wck.org/TimMemorial

Adventure #5: I would love to join a game, but this sounds very expensive for my family.

Details: If you would like to attend but this is cost prohibitive, let me know and I will match Adventurers #4 and #5!

Now:

Reach out to MaryBeth to advise which Adventure you are interested in! Contact MaryBeth at 703-863-329 OR marybeth.gaige@gmail.com (include “Tim Memorial” in an email). Please reach out soonest if you know you want to join to reserve your tickets!

I hope you can join us!

Some pics of years past:

Fifteen Years since we said I do

It’s so hard to believe that today is 15 years since we got married. Fifteen years since the best day at Veramar Vineyard when, surrounded by friends and family, I married my best friend.

Even harder to believe I’ve now been a widow longer than I was a wife. I’m fortunate we knew each other and were friends for so long before we got married, because it gives me so many more stories for the kids, so many more years we had together. And still too few.

To love and have been loved so completely is a wonderous thing.

I know, without a doubt, if I had it to do again, I would not change a thing.

Happy Anniversary, my love.

“To love and be loved was more than could ever be expected. More than enough for a thousand ordinary lifetimes. She did not understand that until then.”

Chris Whitaker, All the Colors of the Dark

Eight years

Today was the last day of school for our kiddos. When I first saw the 2024-2025 school year calendar, that jumped off the page at me. The date always does. Today is also eight years from the day Tim took his last breaths.

My oldest had several more conversations with me this year about today’s date, and June as a whole, with the memories (and lack), Father’s day, and all the feels around this month. My youngest had a lot of feels around it this year as well. I was so glad they both talked openly with me about their feelings.

But I admit, its still hard for me to sit in it. My truest nature wants to fix it for them, wants to make them feel better. Even though I know I can’t. When it comes up, I know all I can do is listen, and sit in the silence, hear what is unsaid, and validate how they are feeling. My dad didn’t die when I was 5, 4 or not yet 1. I can’t pretend to know exactly how they feel. But I can imagine. And I can hold space for what I don’t precisely know.

A theme I observed in conversations with the kids about this was a feeling of wanting to talk about it sometimes, of wanting to “be asked how I am doing,” to have the suck-y feelings validated. I’ve noticed this in my dealings with adults about Tim’s death. There is often a sense of “relief” that the kids have fewer memories and would have correspondingly fewer painful/grief feelings. I do not think this is accurate. Grieving the life you never got to have is real too. I also know the language and the communication surrounding Tim’s death is difficult in the best scenarios, but I am beginning to understand just how avoidant many people are with the subject of death, as though it might be contagious.

There’s also a thing I’ve heard repeatedly about how difficult the second year after a traumatic loss is… particularly as others start moving on, and reach out less… I think that’s how it is for the kids now.. as they come into ages where they want to process their grief, they are expected to be over it by now, or worse, for it to be insignificant for them.

The best I could do was to share with them the experiences I have with people expecting me to be “over it.” I also told them that they have an experience most won’t have for many, many years, and so it can be hard for others to know how to imagine, empathize, or relate.

There are still many moments that take my breath away, just how much I miss him. I’d say the most notable shift this year is in the questions from and processing with the kids.

Photo below is me and his legacies with the DC united “Tim Gaige forever a fan” brick, in between games at this year’s Tim Gaige Memorial Sporting Events. I can hardly imagine a thing Tim would have loved more than walk-between back-to-back sporting events.

” You’re the loss of my life.” Taylor Swift

2025 Tim Gaige Memorial Sporting Choose your own adventure – June 7

Friends and family,

We’ve had such a wonderful time over the last few years remembering Tim at DC United Games. And before that, we remembered Tim at the Potomac Nationals games. In 2018, when I first started the Annual Tim Gaige Memorial Event, I wrote about why. I still want to do this for all of those reasons, to bring together those who loved him to remember him in a very Tim-way for the kids, and most especially to give back. Now that our kids are older, they have strong opinions. Some strongly for a baseball event, some strongly for a soccer one.

What Would Tim do?

There is only one answer: Tim would do both!

Please note: In the past, I have built a charitable donation into each ticket price, but I am not doing that this year, and asking you to take the extra step to give on your own at the link I’m providing, in order to allow you to make the charitable donation in the amount of your choosing.

This year, in memory of Tim, we will be giving to World Central Kitchen (WCK). WCK is first to the frontlines, providing fresh meals in response to humanitarian, climate, and community crises. In memory of Tim Gaige, help us empower communities through the power of food!

So I bring you, in the spirit of total flexibility: Tim Gaige Memorial 2025 – Choose your own adventure!

Adventure #1: The Baseball ⚾

Details: Join us at Nationals Park starting as early as 2:50pm on Saturday June 7, 2025! We will have the Devil’s Backbone Left Field Lodge from Gates Opening to first pitch at 4:05pm (75 minutes) as the Washington Nationals take on the 2023 World Series winning Texas Rangers at home at Nats Park! This dedicated space gives us an opportunity to gather and enjoy each other’s company pre-game in a casual space overlooking left field, with a dedicated bartender. Tickets are $65 each, which includes a $25 concession credit usable anywhere in the ballpark. Then you can also make a donation of your choosing in Tim’s name: https://donate.wck.org/TimMemorial

Adventure #2: The Soccer ⚽️

Details: Join us immediately after the Nats game or whenever works for you, prior to the 7:30pm start, as D.C. United take on the Chicago Fire FC at home at Audi Field! Tickets are $22 each for our group, you are on your own for food in one of the many great food option in the stadium. We’ll plan on meeting at Tim’s brick around 6:30pm for a group photo. Then you can also make a donation of your choosing in Tim’s name: https://donate.wck.org/TimMemorial

Adventure #3: The Baseball ⚾The Soccer ⚽️

Details: HOURS of fun on June 7th with the Gaiges remembering Tim for two great sporting events! Then you can also make a donation of your choosing in Tim’s name: https://donate.wck.org/TimMemorial (Adventures 1 + 2 = 3)

Adventure #4: I don’t live locally, and/or can’t make either game, but want to participate!

Adventure #5: I would love to join a game, but this sounds very expensive for my family.

Details: If you would like to attend but this is cost prohibitive, let me know and I will match Adventurers #4 and $5!

Now!

Reach out to MaryBeth to advise which Adventure you are interested in! Contact MaryBeth at 703-863-3292 OR marybeth.gaige@gmail.com (include “Tim Memorial” in an email). Please reach out soonest if you know you want to join to reserve your tickets!

I hope you can join us!

Some pics of years past:

Annabelle and Tim’s friend Jared before the 2024 DC United game

At Daddy’s brick before the 2024 DC United Game

Crew at Tim’s brick before the 2023 DC United game

Kids and I before the 2023 DC United game

Second Annual Tim Gaige Memorial Event in 2019 at PNats

Tim and Annabelle at a DC United at RFK in 2017

Party of 5 at a summer 2016 Potomac Nationals game

Now “medical journal” rare

Dear Tim,

I know you will remember when Annabelle was born. I had multiple bags of water and when one came out “intact” the nurse was excited about it, saying it was rare and your entire face lit up and you said “like medical journal rare?!”

Poor nurse had to let you down easily saying, “Well, no… not quite medical journal rare. But I don’t see it everyday.” I saw on your face as you smiled at me that you were trying not to be disappointed by that.

Throughout your entire ordeal in the hospital, it felt like everything was unprecedented. I heard “perfect storm” many times, and many medical professionals weighing in, looking at options, coming up with the next course of action. I remember saying to you and hoping you could hear me, “Tim, you are finally medical journal rare. Pull through this, and you will be in the medical journals.” I may have even written that to some of the staff I wrote thank yous to after we left the hospital.

In March of 2019, I got an email from the associate director of ECMO at Inova Fairfax Medical Center (who I remembered) saying:

The ECMO team is interested in trying to publish data regarding the infections your husband faced while being on ECMO. My hope is that centers that do not see as many cases as us learn from our experience. The data does not contain any identifying materials, however I wanted to have your consent prior to proceeding.

Well, I couldn’t imagine a thing you’d love more, so of course I gave my consent. I asked for a copy when it was published, but when I didn’t hear again, I assumed it just didn’t work out.

Fairly recently (it has taken me some time to get this down) your friend Melissa, reached out to me. She is an infectious disease physician, and came to see you in the hospital. She said she was doing a literature search at work and found Tim’s paper! I said “what?”

You finally made it… a scientific paper about your infections.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2211753919300491

I’m so sorry you are not here to read it. I admit, for me, it’s a heavy read. Brings me right back to those days. But I am ever so grateful to Melissa for finding it for me, for your parents and friends, and someday for the kiddos. If the facts of your case help save even one life…

Goodness, I miss you, my love. Sleep well.

Always, MaryBeth

“He said he’d love me all his life, But that life was too short” ~ Taylor Swift, I can do it with a broken heart

A letter to Tim at Seven years

Dear Tim,

It’s hard to imagine that it’s been 7 years today since I watched you take your last breaths.

Yesterday my bestie asked me what my plan was for today. I rattled off that I was leaving work early for one of the kid’s end of year party, but I also had to stalk a retailer who sold me a product without all the parts and I am pissed and I need it for Friday and I was so worked up I thought “why are you asking me about my plans for a random Tuesday?”

Then I remembered.

I didn’t forget. When I saw the date of that particular school party I signed up because I liked the reason to work a half day on that day… I never quite know how today will hit, or what to expect.

I remember at your bedside when I knew it was the day, I told you I wouldn’t make a big deal of this date, because you would not have wanted that. Since then, I’ve looked back and smiled because you know me. I remember dates. It’s who I am. And I know you would not fault me for that. But to stay close to my word, I’ve never made a big deal of this date with the kids. Your birthday or father’s day will be celebrated, but this date I try to slip under the radar for the kids. But I can’t change who I am, and this date will always jump off the page for me. Like all things in this life without you, I find the best compromise.

I did something different this year though with your #1 girl. She is at a tough age. You adored her and yet she challenged you. I can only imagine the challenges she’d have brought you (too) as a pre-teen-almost-teenager. In preparation for this time of year I spoke with her pre-mother’s day and said I was going to be very real with her – this time of year is challenging for me. If I am shorter fused, if I get set off and yell at her more quickly and easily this time of year I wanted her to know its not her. I wanted her to know why. This turned into both of us crying, and both of us sharing memories of you, and I was so glad I did it. I told her it was just between us. And she kept that. I think she appreciated the confidence.

I think you’d have loved that if only for a moment, when asked last night my plans for today, I did not immediately understand the question. It’s probably one of the best gifts I could give you at this point.

There are some moments when I am glad you are not here for certain things. There are some unpleasant aspects of growing older that you’d have hated. There are some moments in parenthood that would break your heart. There are some happenings in the world, I can be glad you never saw. But they are few and they pale to the things I absolutely loathe that you miss. This gives me perspective.

There are so many regular moments that you’d have given anything to be here with me, with the kids. In every accomplishment, milestone, or struggle, I can feel you in my heart, and the missing you still takes my breath away. I have the challenging parenting moments where I think “how did you leave me with this?” but it’s the good moments (big and small) that you miss with the kids, that hit me the hardest.

In my more selfish moments, I grieve the person that I could not be because you are not here. In my heart, I hope you see me, and are proud of the person I have become without you here.

I hope that whatever is out there beyond this life, you are at peace, but you feel all the love we have for you.

After all this time. Always, MaryBeth

“I cry a lot but I am so productive, it’s an art.” ~ Taylor Swift

The 2024 Tim Gaige Memorial Sporting Event

We had so much fun remembering Tim with DC United last summer, we are doing it again. Some pics of last year’s event below. Hope you can join us!

Details:

Saturday, June 1st at 7:30pm, D.C. United vs. Toronto FC at Audi Field

To reserve your tickets, contact MaryBeth at 703-863-3292 OR marybeth.gaige@gmail.com. The first 77 tickets are guaranteed at $45 per person, with a portion of the ticket price going to Together Rising, and still less than standard ticket price! Please reach out soonest if you know you want to join! (This year we will be sitting on the side with the setting sun to our backs!)

Plan to arrive early, and pre-game with fans of Tim Gaige and the Soccer! Kickoff at 7:30, gates open at 6, party at the pitch (outside the stadium) starts at 4:30.

If desired you can pre reserve parking on spot hero:https://spothero.com/search?kind=destination&id=72485&view=dl

If you are unable to join us and simply want to give directly to Together Rising in Tim’s name: https://fundraise.givesmart.com/vf/TimGaige/team/2024

To read more about why I chose to benefit Together Rising, you can go to my 2018 post.

*Tim and MB at a DC United Game in 2007*

*Tim and A at a DC United game, April 2017*

*Tim posing with his girls before leaving for a DC United game, April 2017*

*Gaige kiddos at D.C. United game, September 2022, posing with Daddy’s brick*

Early crowd for the Memorial Event June 24, 2023!

D posing with his Party at the Pitch Face paint, pre game June 24, 2023

Pre-game at Memorial Event June 24, 2o23

Kids pose with Talon before the game, June 24, 2023

Six years, learning to take my own advice

This time of year is heavy. Each year, it comes around and I think it will be less so, with the passage of time. And each year, I am wrong. As I wrote in my post Pain, my body remembers. It’s that simple.

This year seemed poignant because all the days of the week lined up with the dates as they did 6 years ago. When he first got sick, diagnosed, each and every milestone. I try to logic my way out of it. Why is this time hard? It actually happened 6 years ago. It’s not actually happening again.

In some ways, it happens every day. In some way or another, I feel the loss of him, each and every day. I have moments where I feel so very robbed, I feel how much he was robbed, and how much the kids were robbed, and in unexpected moments, they feel it (and share it) too. This life is full of gut punches.

But this time of year is simply hard. I do get great feeling from reflecting on the memories. Particularly on the ways in which people showed up. So many different ways. And in the ways they keep showing up. I’ve run into people in the last year that I haven’t seen since we lost Tim. They have shared stories of their experience of watching the news of Tim’s death unfold from afar, their own reactions to it, in some cases, how it changed the course of their lives. Some have shared memories of Tim that I never knew. I’ve also had to tell people the story. New acquaintances, parents of A,R, and D’s friends or teammates. It is always tricky to share the story. It’s a heavy story for small talk, but it is integral to our lives, so sometimes it must be shared, as much as I know it can deeply affect others.

This past year has included many changes for us. Joyful times, and difficult ones. I’ve felt myself often in the midst of quite a “midlife metamorphosis” and I have often questioned my own decisions. In all ways, but particularly in parenting. I wear the mantle of making decisions for all of us, and it can be a heavy one to bear, full of second-guessing, and shaming myself.

Over the years, I have loved to speak to other widows and widowers about our experiences. When I do, I always encourage them to be gentle with themselves. I encourage others in any heart break to go with their gut, to not “should” themselves, question or shame, but trust their instincts to make the best decision available at the time, and know that they are building a beautiful life. When difficult moments come, or one finds themselves on the wrong path, love themselves, and find the way to course-correct. You don’t always have to DO or fix. Sometimes your home, your world, your life will be messy. Sometimes you accept, sometimes you just have to rest.

This life of mine is full of gut punches, difficult conversations, and challenging choices. I also have moments where I look around and see how incredibly blessed I am. I know in aging, how much Tim would prefer to be here with the new wrinkles or pains. I know how much he’d love to wake up surrounded by the three beautiful souls he helped create, who I wake up to every morning. We wake up with a roof over our heads, and food to eat, love to share.

The only thing I can do, is take things one day at a time. I may not always succeed, but I try to take my own advice, and be gentle with myself.

St Patrick’s day and March Madness

St Patrick’s day often aligns with the NCAA college basketball tournament of which my Tim was a huge fan. As in, must always take off work at the beginning of the tournament and set up as many TVs as possible to watch as many games simultaneously as possible…. He was a hard core college hoops fan. Loved him some mid majority teams and upsets.

He did this 6 years ago when St Patrick’s day was also a Friday. And I had signed up to read in A’s kindergarten class.

This year, St. Patrick’s day was again a Friday. I again went in to read for D’s kindergarten class. This reminded me of that Friday 6 years ago when Tim watched the games and day drank with our neighbor and passed out on the couch at dinner time 😂

I love this photograph. My boys.

Many changes in the last 6 years.

Loved reading to D’s class today.

How I wish Tim was home day drinking to college hoops.

I like to imagine there are infinite screens and views of the game wherever he is now!

***update: I feel it necessary to point out that I did dress D in green on St Patrick’s Day but he had a couple outfit changes that day and ended up in red…. At least not Orange. My father would not have appreciated him being in orange on St Patrick’s day. ☘️💚