I spent every single day from May 17th through June 10-11th at Fairfax Inova hospital. 25 long, full days, in the cardiovascular ICU.
For the most part, I am glad that most people did not see him then. He would not want anyone to see him like that. While he wouldn’t have wanted me to see him that way either, I know he wanted me there. He made that clear in our last moments talking together. And I also know, because I would have wanted him there for me. When I was in the hospital for all three deliveries, I insisted on him staying there with me throughout… even when we had another child or children at home for whom we needed to get childcare.
So my goal is to spend some time writing about our hospital time. Using my trusty notebook that I scribbled away in every day while I was there. It was 25 days. It was a lifetime, and it was also the blink of an eye. I’m hoping I can do the time justice for the kids to read about later. More to come… these may come in time, interspersed with some updates on the now.
This Deathcab for Cutie song was brought to my attention by an online widow’s group. It’s very powerful to me. Very close to home. I pretty much lived it.
“What Sarah Said”
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I’d already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
‘Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I’m thinking of what Sarah said that “Love is watching someone die”
So who’s going to watch you die?..