Today, I packed for the beach.
It was really, really hard.
It should not have been. With Tim here I still would have done all the packing. But this time, I also loaded the car. That wasn’t hard. But this time, Tim wasn’t talking to me about whether I had packed yet, or whether I had remembered abc or what time we were leaving, or where was his xyz.
Mostly, it was hard because he should be here. He should be going to the beach with us. This house that we stayed at last year when I was large-and-in-charge pregnant. Where we walked on the beach together. One of our favorite things to do. And talk about the future. All the possibilities. Now I am living a future we never imagined. A future we never discussed.
Everyone worries about me and what I call “the logistics.” I understand this. I can take myself out of my life for a minute and imagine what I would feel/ think for a friend if this had happened to a friend and not to me. I would worry about “the logistics.” Because in early May of this year, and every minute before, raising these tiny humans was hard, and exhausting, all-consuming. And there are so many logistics. All that is still there, I know. But it seems completely different now. The logistics are no longer what is hard. I seem to just know that somehow (and with lots of help from a lot of amazing friends and family) the logistics will be taken care of each day. I will find the strength to handle the details – the bill-paying, the working, the child-caring. It’s the sadness and the broken heart that make the future truly unimaginable.
Sometimes the missing him makes my throat close and the air seem so hard to swallow.