First and foremost, this is for me. I thought almost immediately after Tim died that I should blog again. Even if that’s so 2008. If I have ever had anything to write about, it’s now. As I’ve started to read the pile of what I call “my sad sack books,” everything suggests keeping a journal. I could do that, but why make it public?… well because:
Secondly, this is for the kids. To look back on what THIS time was like. When they want to. Or when they think they are ready to. Mostly, I try to talk about Tim as much as possible to keep him alive with us anyway I can. I try to live in the present, look forward to the future… but there is so much comfort in the past for me, and I imagine for them as well right now. We talk about the past a lot. But my brain is not what it once was. Just ask anyone who has needed me to do something, send some piece of information… I say yes, then almost immediately forget. People say all the time they don’t know how I am doing this.. as in living my life. One day, when my children are grown, they may wonder that as well. Well, I am doing it because I have to.. because of them, with them, for them. I think that often when it seems like a blessing and a curse at the same time. The curse, how HARD it is to bear the grief of three other people when I don’t know how to handle my own. The blessing, that I don’t know how I’d survive the grief if I didn’t need to for them. It reminds me of the line from that Chris Daughtry song (Home): “I don’t regret this life you chose for me.”
Tertiary, its for anyone else. Now – because people ask how I am. Because many more people THINK about how I am. For those strong enough to bear witness, I will answer that here. Later, because this unimaginable life I’m living may seem familiar to someone else someday… and if anything I thought, or felt, or said, or did helps someone else… I’m happy for the opportunity to give back. I’ve received so much. A friend’s words that have stuck with me are his offer to “compare notes on this impossible situation.” This is a situation that just 4 months ago I could not have possibly imagined. Yet here I am. I am proof this tragedy is possible, even if I wouldn’t wish this grief on an enemy.
So here it is. I will do my best to write as often as I can. Raw. Uneditted. This.