Day in the Life

DITL was a term in one of my jobs.  It was even the nickname of one of the guys I played softball with… yes, pre-children I played a lot of work co-ed slow-pitch softball!

Today, two-thirds of my children threw up… one in the car on the way to school, one at the dinner table.  They have incredible gag reflexes.

Today, after the months-long process of calling MetLife critical illness insurance to check on my claim, calling doctors, getting a friend who works at the hospital to physically stalk doctors, getting my company benefits administrator to call, fax information, seeking clarification, giving my claim or certificate number, my DOB, address and contact number should we get disconnected…over and over and over again… today, it got to me.  Today, I found myself shaking with rage, and then, as close as I’ve ever come to bawling my eyes out at my desk at work.    It’s dirty money.  Insurance money.  That’s how it feels.  Critical illness, or life…insurance feels like dirty money.  I remember one life insurance check specifically stating “death benefit” and it made me feel like I was going to vomit (which I know never to do in front of my little gag-masters.) But I survived, I got through the day. (Stay tuned because Critical Illness insurance is still not resolved, even though Tim was critically ill close to 6 months ago.)  I even finished a compliance training.  I drove home.  I played with A, R, and D.  We read books.  We talked about the sunny, stormy, and surprising parts of our days.  I got everyone to bed. I listened to a podcast while I made egg salad and did the dishes.

And you know what?  I conquered the car seat cleaning.  That was always Tim’s self-appointed job.  There have been many car trip puking incidents… and on each one I handled the cleaning of the child, and Tim handled the cleaning of the car seat.  Once, on our way to Richmond in 2015, we pulled over to the side of the road IN THE SNOW, jumped out, I cleansed and changed R, and he cleansed the car seat.  We were back on the road in record time and Tim gave me a huge high five and was incredibly proud of our efficiency.  Never did I imagine that was something we would get good at together as a couple, as a team.  But we did.  We were quite a team.  We handled a puking in the car seat child with the best of them!

Tonight, I reinstalled the clean car seat cover, and the car seat back into the car.  I didn’t want to, but it was a necessary evil.  I missed him.  And not just because it was a gross annoying job I didn’t want to do, that he did valiantly without complaint…. but because I just plain miss him all the time.

This is a day in the life of a 36 year old widow with three small children.   Thanks for asking.

This is Us

Last year I binge watched the first season of This is Us.  Tim started it with me but eventually found it too intense.  He kept asking me “do you know how the dad died yet?” He wanted to know, but he couldn’t handle the suspense.

A friend and I decided to get together at my house every Tuesday night to watch it this year.  I knew what we were getting into.  So did she.  We were watching a show that is at its core about 3 kids whose dad dies, and how it affects their lives, going back and forth in time.

In the first episode of this season, Rebecca, the mother who lost her husband, talks to her adopted son, Randall, about how he (the husband, Jack) was the one to push for the adoption.  “Sometimes in marriage, someone needs to be the one to push to make the big moves… and oftentimes in our marriage, yes, it was your father.  Our marriage wasn’t perfect, it’s true.  But none are.  And your father wasn’t perfect either, but he was pretty damn close.  As close as they come.   He pushed this stranger on me and that stranger became my child, and that child became my life.  He became you.”  That’s how I feel especially when I remember those days in the hospital when I told him every day that even if I had known this would happen I wouldn’t change a thing…  because I knew if he could talk to me, and knew what was going on that he would apologize.  Unnecessarily, but he would have apologized.  Because kids, 1, 2, 3… it was all him pushing. And now – they are my life.

In the Halloween episode this week, they cover when Rebecca’s first grandchild is born.  After, she cries saying “That was one of the happiest moments of my life”and Randall asks her if they are happy tears, she nods, “but also your dad isn’t here.  And that’s just something I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my  life –  the happiest moments will also be a little sad.”  It rung so true, because I remember thinking that exactly this summer, and I am pretty sure I said those exact words to my sister.

It was a tough moment watching that episode this week, it was so incredibly close to home.  And I know it was for my friend who watched it with me.  But I reminded her – we knew what we were getting into here.

When I watched the final episode of Season 1 last year, Tim had already gone to bed.  There is a big fight scene between the two main characters, Jack and Rebecca, where Rebecca asks Jack what he loves about her and he can’t answer.  In the morning, he wakes up and has a very moving speech before he leaves for his friend’s couch for some space.  Tim and I had 3 kids.  We didn’t devote as much time to each other, to our relationship, as either of us would have liked.  I went up to bed after watching that episode and Tim rolled over to greet me when I climbed in so I said, “Tim, what do you love about me?”  I couldn’t tell you honestly all the words he used at that moment, but I can say this: He did not hesitate to answer, and he listed many things.

It’s very hard to know who I am right now.  I am many things.  There are many things I am not.  Someone asked me recently if I felt like I’m living a label.  Last weekend, a fellow widow commented on not being the old her… and another reminded us that we are still the person that he loved.

It is incredibly powerful to remind myself that however lost I may feel right now, without that person who pushed me, however difficult it is to swallow that every joy in my life will be hand-in-hand with sadness… I am still the woman he loved.

T Selfie

Last night all the kids were piled on our bed, and I thought of one of my favorite photos of my family, which is a selfie of the four of them on our bed that Tim sent me on my way home from work last winter. Its been the “wallpaper” on my phone since the day he sent it to me. So it popped into my head and I said “hey guys, heads together, let’s take a picture!” A says “a selfie?” (Daddy’s girl).

Not my most flattering photo but I got one of everyone looking! Score!

Then I just had to laugh. He bought M, A, R, T and D pillow covers for our bed at Target. With extras for the kids’ rooms. He actually bought an M and a T and 2 As and 2 Rs first, then we had to buy two Ds when I was pregnant with a boy…before Target stopped carrying them! In all the madness the other pillows were knocked off the bed. But there’s the T, in near perfect position! Tim never could miss the opportunity for a selfie.

more of the beginning

 

In early May, 2017, I had installed the Telegram app on my phone and I had a few contacts, but when I saw that icon, it mostly meant I had a message from three of my close friends (whose husbands are all friends with Tim too) OR Tim.  Mostly, it was from Tim.  It was our primary form of communication if we weren’t together.  We never used SMS texting, and I’m so glad because now I have it all saved.  When he got sick, even though I pretty much spent at least 8 hours a day at his bedside at the hospital, I still Telegram-ed him. I had his phone, and I saw he was getting other telegram messages when I turned it on, but I didn’t read them.  I sent him updates on the kids I knew he’d want when he woke up and could check his phone again.  I poured out how much I missed him, how much I loved him, anything, so that he could look back on it when he was able.  Looking back on those telegram messages, brings that time back in such an acute way.  And before, his last messages to me, they help me remember those last times together, that I never could have imagined were the last.

In my Origin Story post, I talked a bit about the beginning… the weekend leading up to him ending up in the hospital, the trip to the ER with A, getting the kids with a friend and a neighbor, getting back to the ICU, our last moments that night before they intubated him… here is a bit more detail of what I can remember from memory and from telegram…

Here was our last Telegram communication:

Tim: Room is 415

Me:Yes/  Dr told me/  I’m here/  On my way to you/

Tim: I have no white blood cells

All of that is time stamped 6:37 PM, to give you an idea of how fast that typing occurred.

 

Going back in time…. On May 1st he went downtown after work to watch some sports thing with a friend.. he called it “baseball nerd stuff” at Howard Theater.  He was very excited about it.  On May 2nd (a Tuesday) we both worked short days so we could meet with A’s Kindergarten teacher in the morning, then make it back to the elementary school in the afternoon for her Tumbling showcase.  I took A to the bus, then the other two to daycare while he swung by Dunkin and got us each an iced coffee before the teacher meeting.  I was concerned that she wasn’t ready for first grade, I had always been worried mostly because of her age relative to the other kids in her class.  Tim was adamant that she was ready and she would be bored if we held her back, so I said we had to at least meet with the teacher to learn some strategies to support her where she was behind her peers.  I met him in front of the school with the 2 iced coffees, and we headed in.  It was like a date.  After the Tumbling showcase later that night, he pointed out that there were $1 subs at Jimmy John’s that day and we had to go.  He took A to soccer practice, I picked up the other two and we met at Jimmy John’s. A was so excited!  It was a scene.  We had to wait in a huge line with lots of other people while more bread came out of the oven, and they could start selling sandwiches again.  I remember thinking how ridiculous this was as I tried to keep D happy and A&R from climbing all over EVERYTHING, and from whining too much.  Tim chatted with a couple behind us and bragged about how awesome it was to be a dad.   He smiled from ear to ear, with pride at his kiddos.  After the kids were in bed that night he watched the end of the Celtics / Wizards game.  He sent me an article on fidget spinners being a threat to America, and commented that he saw a lot at school that day (on our two trips there!)

On May 4th he first commented on not feeling well.  He said he thought he had gout.  Between 6:30 and 7am he got stuck in the drive thru of the worst DD ever on his way to work, and eventually gave up and drove off without his food and coffee. That afternoon he was eager to get out for a run because he was getting frustrated with the kiddos, and the house being disorganized.

From May 6-7th he scheduled “beer and brunch with Jared” an occassion for Tim and 4 of his closest local buddies to visit the 6th of their crew (the poop group) for a Richmond beer crawl, in advance of the birth of Jared and his wife’s second child.  Before he left he left out the sight word notecards he had made for A, in three piles and let me in on his method of assessing her, with checks, minuses and sad faces.  He thanked me for letting him go to Richmond, he said he loved me, that he owed me one… I sent him updates from A’s soccer game (she scored!), where I was standing in the rain under an umbella with D in the carrier (thank goodness R was at a friend’s house!) He started sending me questions on how we were going to handle “no more babies” since we were leaning that way,  and had said we would make a decision by D’s first birthday.   I was pretty clear on how that should be handled.  He said tournament time next year.  He had a great time with his friends in Richmond, but when he contacted me to say good night he said he was exhausted,  and with “the gout, the sores in my mouth, and the hemerroids… I feel so old and broken.”  I told him at least he looked good.  He said he was too old for this (brewery crawl). The next day when he was in the car with friends heading home I asked how he was feeling and he said “better than you would think!  Didn’t actually drink all that much.”  When he got home, R hadn’t napped, so he and she went straight out to his hammock in the backyard to nap together.

On May 8th, he mowed the lawn.  He sent me a photo. He was so proud.  He said he was getting quicker, did minor trimming but got to use the new blower.  (I think when I read that in real time I thought “how many new lawn products is he buying?” But I didn’t question him even then, I knew he was having so much fun with the lawn!) That night he took care of Declan while I took the girls to Girl Scouts.  This included giving Declan a bottle, and my pumping when I got home.  He lamented adding more to the bottle and then him not drinking it. We talked about my family and my parents’ health.  On the 9th he sent photos from As soccer practice.. mostly selfies of him with R and D on the side lines… and mentioned the hemerroid pain.

May 12th was a Friday and his last day at work.  We talked about his outfit choices that week and the compliments he got at work.  (He had just started Men’s Stitch fix and was loving it.) I went to Muffins for Moms at the school for Mother’s Day and sent him pics. He messaged me at 1:35 that afternoon that he was going home.  He wanted to lay down – again complaints were only about hemerroids. He typically left work at 2:45pm every day to pick up Annabelle so this wasn’t shockingly early.

May 14th, Mother’s Day, was when he first mentioned a fever.  He had one, then he didn’t.  He told me he loved me and he was sorry to have ruined mother’s day.  He said he was supposed to make french toast but could only muster the ice cream sandwiches.  He said he promised I would get my weekend.  I told him the ice cream sandwiches they made me Saturday were so good – and how was he feeling?  I sent pics of us out with some friends for ice cream Sunday afternoon at one of his favorite places to go.  At 5:36pm Sunday he told me the fever was back – 101ish.  Thats when I said I really thought he ought to go see someone Monday morning, and he agreed.  That’s when he asked me to go with him.  I said yes, and that A needed to go to her room when we got home, and I was stopping with the kids at Safeway, and did he need anything  He said “Severe pain killer.  You are super mom.”  He also said he thought we needed to hug A more. Just because.

IMG_20170513_192411.jpg

On Monday, the 15th, our conversation was about getting ready to go to the doctor’s office. I thought I passed out in the waiting room, but I have messages with him while he was back there.  “She thinks its the infection in my mouth/ To make an appointment with Dr .Z (our dentist)/ For the end of the week/ She’s going to give me a foam for hemerroids / Since it wasn’t black and blue she doesn’t think it’s thrombrosis (He had clearly been googling/ WebMDing).  I asked if they thought the mouth infection was what was causing the fever?  He said Potentially yea.  I asked if they were giving him abx and he said yes.  We went to Target to get the antibiotics.  He said he was freezing.  Then shaking.  We went to Target, I got him home and in bed.  He never did use that foam.  He took the antibiotics.  I went to work.  He got A from the bus stop, and let her watch a movie til I got home with the littles. She had speech therapy that night. I had a lot of proposal work to get to at work after the morning doctor trip.  I  constantly ask myself why I hadn’t just stayed home with him that day. I had absolutely no clue.

The next day was the 16th.  A day I will never forget.  At 11:02am while I was at work I said: OMG next Friday D is 10 months! (I could never have imagined that D’s dad would die when he was 10 months old.)  At 1:33pm Tim said he vomited. I told him I’d come home to get A off the bus if he wanted – let me know… at 2:18 he said it was ok, he was going to get up and shower.  At 2:25 he said please come home.  I responded with “309 eta/  I think we go to the ER this time.”  I called him on my drive home.  I called my boss and told him he needed to get my deputy help with the proposal ASAP.  I grilled Tim on his symptoms while I was waiting for A at the bus stop… hemerroid pain he said was better, no mouth pain…lymphnoids didn’t seem as swollen, but sweating, fever, vomiting… I asked him if he’d been talking to his Aunt (because she’s a Dr and he’d spoken to her the previous year when he had an infection.)  He said no.  He said he was looking for socks… and brushing his teeth… next messages were the Room number and the white blood cells.

I described much of our last moments together in his ICU room at Fairfax hospital. Some other things I remember:

The hematologist came in while he was off for the CT scan.  My initial thought when they took him for the CT scan was how dangerous to finally be sitting, not responsible for the kids, or even for Tim – and alone with my own thoughts.  I texted his parents, my mom and sisters, my three close local friends (one of whom was with my kids and one who worked at that hospital and came back that night to be with me before  I headed home, the third happened to be on vacation in California), my three (very not local) best friends from college…

I didn’t know what a hematologist was.  They didn’t use the term “oncologist”with me that night though thats what he also was.  They already suspected cancer.  But I still had no idea.  When the NP told me things would get worse before they got better I was a cheerleader… I said we’d tackle it, I said we understood, right, Tim?  He said “well I’m not excited about it” (being intubated.)  I had no idea what the NP was telling me.  I had no idea that these crazy cheer leader go-get-em-we’ll-kick-this attitude I was portraying was the last conversation I’d ever have with my husband, my best friend, the love of my life.  When they gave him a catheter he really didn’t like it.  As a joke, I told him not to rip it out (because this was a problem my very-bad-patient-dad had been having) and I think I really freaked out the nurses.  So I had to explain.  They were both young and unmarried and said they thought girls married men like their dads.  I said I couldn’t have married anyone more different from my father, and my sister too.  Tim smiled at me through the oxygen mask.  I told him my friend who was watching the kids messaged me that she’d never changed a boy diaper before then (she has 2 daughters) and he asked why she’d never changed her sister’s son’s diaper!  There are times when remembering these last conversations burns me.  Why didn’t I tell him how much I loved him?  How much he meant to me?   How much I loved our life together? That I wouldn’t change any of it for anything?  Why couldn’t I have said all those things and more?  I had no idea.  I couldn’t imagine it was my last conversation with him.

Continue reading “more of the beginning”

The speech I wrote

The speech I gave was pretty hilarious, with interrupts, distractions, screaming children… my girls shouting into the microphone… but I think I got my point across.  No doubt the speech I wrote was too long. I’m glad to have a record of both.  Below is the speech I wrote to give at the (Altamont,) New York Celebration of Life.

_____

I drove in yesterday and it struck me  that it was almost 10 years since I drove in wTim for the first time… and he gave me a detailed tour

I was amazed by the town of Altamont then, and I am amazed now.

I thank each of you for the welcome you have given me and to Tim and my children, and for everything that went into making this event what it is. To Chief and Nana Chris for everything they’ve done for us to keep Tim’s memory alive and to pull off this amazing event. But also to each and every one of you who pitched in in such an amazing way with your unique talents.

Tim would have been amazed. Dumbfounded. He truly would have.

Tim would have wanted a happy celebration.  He would have loved seeing all these different sports jerseys and t-shirts. He would have felt right at home and could have walked in here and immediately struck up a conversation with any one of you, on any sport.  I said this in Virginia, but its even more true here in Altamont!

 

The thing I really want to say to all of you that watched him grow up….or are his family and really loved him…. was that Tim was really very happy until the very end… and he hated goodbyes….. so as horrible as the situation has been for all of us who loved him it gives me some comfort to know that it was the best thing for him.

I think because what happened to Tim….. to my family… was so unbelievable I have found that people try to put more believable thoughts around it ….that just don’t exist. The weekend before Tim got sick he went to Richmond with his friends for a brewery tour and he had a fantastic time…. that week he went for a 5K run through the neighborhood ….he was always trying to take care of himself and eat well and exercise and he was very happy.

Tim told me when he had a hangnail…. he didn’t want to go to work if he had a sore throat…… Last year he had a ingrown hair that got infected that he reached out to his aunt about because she’s a doctor and her husband’s a doctor and he wanted some advice …. Tim didn’t have extraordinary complaints that last weekend that he was home with us… he stayed in bed a lot. He said he didn’t feel good but he asked me when I went to the grocery store to pick up ice cream and tiny chocolate chips and chocolate chip cookies…then  when I was putting Declan down for his nap on Saturday, Tim and the girls made me chip wiches. For mother’s day. Because I love chip wiches. He kept thanking me. He said I’d get a mother’s day do over.

We went to the doctor on Monday morning when I insisted… he went to the ER with me on Tuesday when I insisted on that… and many of the doctors there told me they wouldn’t have even brought him in as soon as I did.

The fact that he never reached out to his aunt tells me he had no idea how bad this could possibly be… Before they intubated him he knew he had low white blood cells and he knew he had pneumonia. I asked him if he was scared and he said yes because it was all very scary…. particularly the idea of being intubated and not being able to breathe on his own. But he had no idea that this could happen. He never knew he had cancer.  He said he should have asked me to bring his extra phone charger. He asked me if I brought a book.

It was a crazy ridiculous series of events and while I wish that I could have said goodbye in a different way… and when I know that people who loved him wish they could have said goodbye at all… I am sad for us but I’m still not sad for Tim because he would have hated goodbye.

So let’s not say goodbye today either…. let’s try to preserve wonderful memories of him that you have that I can share with our children when they’re having a hard time and they want to remember dad… I’d like to make sure those memories are there for them because their dad was such an amazing man.

I brought with me some of the things that people learned from Tim and some of the memories of Tim that we had from the Virginia celebration of life. If you read them you’ll find a lot had to do with pop music…. which I totally get because I find myself now even when a poppy song comes on the radio that’s annoying and I probably would have changed it before….like Rebecca Black’s Friday or Carly Rae Jepsen’s call me maybe or anything by Britney Spears… now I always leave it on the radio because Tim would have listened to it and it feels like a little bit of a hello from him.

Thank you for all of the memories you share.

Keep talking about him… keep his memory alive here and for the days to come. Never feel afraid to mention Tim to me or to the kids for fear of bringing it up and upsetting us…. We are always thinking of him and it’s great to hear his name said by someone else.

Thank you.

Widow’s Support group

My EAP counselor suggested I go to an in person support group at some point.

While I don’t necessarily think we were well matched, I took the advice to heart.  When I asked her how I find one, she was particularly unhelpful.  She basically said to look for one on my own… and they are usually associated with churches.  That was discouraging. But then I saw an advertisement posted for Haven of Northern Virginia in the waiting room of the girls play therapists’ office.  There was a contact email, so I sent an email immediately.  They contacted me and told me about an upcoming widow’s support group – 6 weeks and free! I read about the organization and it sounded pretty perfect.  Unfortunately, the very first meeting was the day of Tim’s New York Celebration of Life, but they let me join anyway.  I was sorry to miss the very first week when everyone shared their stories.  I lined up childcare for the 5 Saturdays.  This past Saturday was my first group meeting.

I had people ask me if it was something I needed, if it was something I’m ready for… at the end of the session, one of the women said she hoped I would return.

This made me smile.  Maybe it was Tim’s rule following tendencies rubbing off on me, or his inclination to trust the experts, but it honestly never occurred to me not to return, or not to simply trust the process.

I don’t think I am going to enjoy it, but I simply recognize it as something I should do.  One of the things that I should do.  If I were my friend, instead of me, I would tell me to do it.

Early on, they pointed to where the group had written down what they want to get out of the 6 weeks, and I was welcome to add anything to the list.  I just started at it. I racked my brain.  I couldn’t answer that question.  The Hermione Granger in me wanted to have an answer. People had written good things.  Overwhelmed, taxes, the holidays… on and on.  All I could think was “grief” but I  couldn’t formulate a thought around that.

With a day to reflect, I think I realize now that this is just one of those things I am doing for me.  I might not enjoy it exactly, but it’s a self-care thing.

Another thing the EAP counselor told me which really baffled me at the time she said it was that I was so busy, but I really needed to take the time to grieve.  And I just kept thinking “what does that mean?!”  She went on to say that she worried that if I didn’t, I would rush into another relationship. Um, no.  That really turned me off.  However, I think it was based on her personal experience with a similar situation.  I just kept thinking at the time, how do I do that?!  How exactly do I grieve?  Do I pencil it in after the kids go to bed? Is there something specific I’m supposed to do?  Grief is my constant companion.

Grief.  It lives inside of me – in my chest, in my throat, in the pit of my stomach.  I’m just plain sad inside, all the time.  Even when I’m happy, I’m sad.  It’s similar to being pregnant in that whatever you do, you have the baby with you, there’s no separating from that.  The grief, the just plain “I miss him so much” of every single moment, it’s always there.

One woman shared something she had read about the fact that you can’t wait for the old you to come back.  It can’t, it won’t – she is gone.  There’s a new you, and you have to learn to accept her, love her.  I think that really resounded with all of us.  In my head, I’m still always telling Tim everything.  My best friend, my soulmate.  The father of the three small humans that I live with. It’s not just the grief that is always with me.  Tim too, is my constant companion.

People are always telling me I need to take care of myself.  That if I don’t, how will I take care of A, R and D?  So attending this group is for me.  I am taking steps to learn how best to handle the kids’ grief, and the many issues that will come up with them, and with being an only parent.  (Another widow online gave me that term, “only parent” rather than “single parent” and I do prefer it.)  Most of the women in this group do not have children, or dependent children, certainly none have children as young as mine.  So in this group the focus will be on grieving as a woman who lost the love of her life.   So I will “lean in” to the process, give myself over to it.  It may not be easy, but I feel confident it’s the right thing to do, it’s what Tim would want me to do.

Most of the time, I grieve as a mother. I grieve their loss, I grieve the loss for them, I even grieve Tim’s loss…when D started walking and he wasn’t there to see it. But making the time every Saturday to go to this group, will be about my own loss. I go through my days, especially at work, pretty numb all the time. I turn off emotion so I can function. I need to function at my job, I need to function as the sole bread-winner, and when I’m not at work I need to function as their mother. I am always in charge as their mother. For an hour and a half on Saturdays for 5 weeks I can let someone else be in charge. They can moderate the group. I will move through the grief however it happens. It will be a time I can shake off the numb and let myself feel.

 

New York Celebration of Life

Packing for a trip… One I’m taking without you. Again.

Driving to your home town. For the first time without you.

The long drive. Doing all the driving myself. The sun shining when we pull in, through the streets of Altamont. Always with it’s welcoming arms for us.

Your name. Tim Gaige. In the newspaper. On the sign outside the American Legion. Your face. In photos on the walls. At the house you grew up in, in the banquet hall.

I feel you everywhere here. I see you in the faces of your family. Your parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Always I see you in their faces: your children. The three tiny people you loved more than life itself. The job you loved the most: being their dad. How proud you always were to bring them here, to bring me here, your hometown. I see us spending Christmas here, going to the park, the Church, late night walks to Stewarts for ice cream after the kids went to bed.

Today was beautiful. The family reunions. People meeting in person for the first time. The kids getting to play together. Your best friends from Virginia and Massachusetts making the pilgrimage, getting to see your hometown for the first time. My siblings first trip to Altamont. Your brother. Your cousins.

It was beautiful and I feel you here. See you around every corner. Hear your voice. See your smile. Hear your laugh.

Two years ago we came this very same weekend to get our dog from his summer trip to Altamont. Our fall trip to your hometown for all the things you loved about fall: the foliage, the apple picking and cider, the apple cider donuts. How you loved to come here in the Fall. It’s easy to believe this is the weekend we might have come if you were with us. If life was normal. If last May never happened.

We are here. You are with us. But not the way I want.

Today was beautiful, but it was overwhelming.

Overwhelming in a way I think it will take me a long time to process.

It was your celebration of life done the Altamont way, and other than you not wanting a fuss made about you, I know you would have loved it.

Thank you for all that you gave me when you brought me here ten years ago, my love.