Time

Time marches on.  It’s so hard to believe.  Tim used to make so much fun of me for my obsession with dates.  I’d always remember dates, birth dates, anniversaries, compare year after year, put significance in dates… when it was 12:23, I’d say it was my birthday in time… point out my sister’s birthday in time too.  He thought it was crazy, over-the-top. Mostly, I think he just liked to tease me about it.

At his bedside on June 11th, I promised I wouldn’t make a big deal out of the date, because he wouldn’t want me to. I’ve mostly kept to this.  I noticed 7/11… partially because it is his mother’s birthday, and because it was the date of the blood drive my company had in his name.  I largely let 8/11 go by unrecognized.  Mainly because I was packing for the beach. I didn’t acknowledge 9/11 in a big way other than to reflect on 9/11/2001.

But today I gave blood.  Which means it was 2 months or 8 weeks since the last time I gave blood.. the drive that was  in his name. The drive that was a month after he died. 3 months ago, my Tim breathed his last breaths on this earth.  It’s hard to avoid all that.  So I didn’t really try.  One of his friends told me we have to mark the passing of time.  Like it or not, I do.

This weekend we will celebrate what would have been my and Tim’s 7th wedding anniversary.  I have two big events planned – the dedication of a bench at the Vineyard where we were married and the planting of a tree in a nearby park that we liked and was where we took our family photos since moving to Fairfax.  It might be a lot.  But I wanted to fill the time… so I can’t wallow.  I look forward to this weekend and am grateful for all those who plan to join us!

It’s just so hard to believe.  As recently as early May, Tim was asking me what I might want to do for our anniversary this year…that seems like yesterday, and it also seems a lifetime ago.  Which I guess it was.

I can’t stop time, I can’t slow it down. I simply have to live in the present.  Breathe, survive the present.  Survive with my constant companion, Grief.  Try to recognize the wonderful moments with my little ones as they come.

Try to make a difference.

Any way that I can.

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Why I’m doing This

First and foremost, this is for me.  I thought almost immediately after Tim died that I should blog again. Even if that’s so 2008.  If I have ever had anything to write about, it’s now.  As I’ve started to read the pile of what I call “my sad sack books,” everything suggests keeping a journal.  I could do that, but why make it public?… well because:

Secondly, this is for the kids.  To look back on what THIS time was like.  When they want to.  Or when they think they are ready to. Mostly, I try to talk about Tim as much as possible to keep him alive with us anyway I can.  I try to live in the present, look forward to the future… but there is so much comfort in the past for me, and I imagine for them as well right now.  We talk about the past a lot.  But my brain is not what it once was.  Just ask anyone who has needed me to do something, send some piece of information… I say yes, then almost immediately forget.  People say all the time they don’t know how I am doing this.. as in living my life.  One day, when my children are grown, they may wonder that as well.  Well, I am doing it because I have to.. because of them, with them, for them.  I think that often when it seems like a blessing and a curse at the same time.  The curse, how HARD it is to bear the grief of three other people when I don’t know how to handle my own.  The blessing, that I don’t know how I’d survive the grief if I didn’t need to for them.  It reminds me of the line from that Chris Daughtry song (Home): “I don’t regret this life you chose for me.”

Tertiary, its for anyone else.  Now  – because people ask how I am.  Because many more people THINK about how I am.  For those strong enough to bear witness, I will answer that here.  Later, because this unimaginable life I’m living may seem familiar to someone else someday… and if anything I thought, or felt, or said, or did helps someone else… I’m happy for the opportunity to give back.    I’ve received so much. A friend’s words that have stuck with me are his offer to “compare notes on this impossible situation.” This is a situation that just 4 months ago I could not have possibly imagined.  Yet here I am.  I am proof this tragedy is possible, even if I wouldn’t wish this grief on an enemy.

So here it is.  I will do my best to write as often as I can.  Raw.  Uneditted.  This.