kids – Gather by Image

Eight years

Today was the last day of school for our kiddos. When I first saw the 2024-2025 school year calendar, that jumped off the page at me. The date always does. Today is also eight years from the day Tim took his last breaths.

My oldest had several more conversations with me this year about today’s date, and June as a whole, with the memories (and lack), Father’s day, and all the feels around this month. My youngest had a lot of feels around it this year as well. I was so glad they both talked openly with me about their feelings.

But I admit, its still hard for me to sit in it. My truest nature wants to fix it for them, wants to make them feel better. Even though I know I can’t. When it comes up, I know all I can do is listen, and sit in the silence, hear what is unsaid, and validate how they are feeling. My dad didn’t die when I was 5, 4 or not yet 1. I can’t pretend to know exactly how they feel. But I can imagine. And I can hold space for what I don’t precisely know.

A theme I observed in conversations with the kids about this was a feeling of wanting to talk about it sometimes, of wanting to “be asked how I am doing,” to have the suck-y feelings validated. I’ve noticed this in my dealings with adults about Tim’s death. There is often a sense of “relief” that the kids have fewer memories and would have correspondingly fewer painful/grief feelings. I do not think this is accurate. Grieving the life you never got to have is real too. I also know the language and the communication surrounding Tim’s death is difficult in the best scenarios, but I am beginning to understand just how avoidant many people are with the subject of death, as though it might be contagious.

There’s also a thing I’ve heard repeatedly about how difficult the second year after a traumatic loss is… particularly as others start moving on, and reach out less… I think that’s how it is for the kids now.. as they come into ages where they want to process their grief, they are expected to be over it by now, or worse, for it to be insignificant for them.

The best I could do was to share with them the experiences I have with people expecting me to be “over it.” I also told them that they have an experience most won’t have for many, many years, and so it can be hard for others to know how to imagine, empathize, or relate.

There are still many moments that take my breath away, just how much I miss him. I’d say the most notable shift this year is in the questions from and processing with the kids.

Photo below is me and his legacies with the DC united “Tim Gaige forever a fan” brick, in between games at this year’s Tim Gaige Memorial Sporting Events. I can hardly imagine a thing Tim would have loved more than walk-between back-to-back sporting events.

” You’re the loss of my life.” Taylor Swift

2025 Tim Gaige Memorial Sporting Choose your own adventure – June 7

Friends and family,

We’ve had such a wonderful time over the last few years remembering Tim at DC United Games. And before that, we remembered Tim at the Potomac Nationals games. In 2018, when I first started the Annual Tim Gaige Memorial Event, I wrote about why. I still want to do this for all of those reasons, to bring together those who loved him to remember him in a very Tim-way for the kids, and most especially to give back. Now that our kids are older, they have strong opinions. Some strongly for a baseball event, some strongly for a soccer one.

What Would Tim do?

There is only one answer: Tim would do both!

Please note: In the past, I have built a charitable donation into each ticket price, but I am not doing that this year, and asking you to take the extra step to give on your own at the link I’m providing, in order to allow you to make the charitable donation in the amount of your choosing.

This year, in memory of Tim, we will be giving to World Central Kitchen (WCK). WCK is first to the frontlines, providing fresh meals in response to humanitarian, climate, and community crises. In memory of Tim Gaige, help us empower communities through the power of food!

So I bring you, in the spirit of total flexibility: Tim Gaige Memorial 2025 – Choose your own adventure!

Adventure #1: The Baseball ⚾

Details: Join us at Nationals Park starting as early as 2:50pm on Saturday June 7, 2025! We will have the Devil’s Backbone Left Field Lodge from Gates Opening to first pitch at 4:05pm (75 minutes) as the Washington Nationals take on the 2023 World Series winning Texas Rangers at home at Nats Park! This dedicated space gives us an opportunity to gather and enjoy each other’s company pre-game in a casual space overlooking left field, with a dedicated bartender. Tickets are $65 each, which includes a $25 concession credit usable anywhere in the ballpark. Then you can also make a donation of your choosing in Tim’s name: https://donate.wck.org/TimMemorial

Adventure #2: The Soccer ⚽️

Details: Join us immediately after the Nats game or whenever works for you, prior to the 7:30pm start, as D.C. United take on the Chicago Fire FC at home at Audi Field! Tickets are $22 each for our group, you are on your own for food in one of the many great food option in the stadium. We’ll plan on meeting at Tim’s brick around 6:30pm for a group photo. Then you can also make a donation of your choosing in Tim’s name: https://donate.wck.org/TimMemorial

Adventure #3: The Baseball ⚾The Soccer ⚽️

Details: HOURS of fun on June 7th with the Gaiges remembering Tim for two great sporting events! Then you can also make a donation of your choosing in Tim’s name: https://donate.wck.org/TimMemorial (Adventures 1 + 2 = 3)

Adventure #4: I don’t live locally, and/or can’t make either game, but want to participate!

Details: If you would like to donate a ticket or two to a family, since a day out like this can be a lot for a big family, I will take the donation and coordinate accordingly. OR you can also make a donation of your choosing in Tim’s name: https://donate.wck.org/TimMemorial

Adventure #5: I would love to join a game, but this sounds very expensive for my family.

Details: If you would like to attend but this is cost prohibitive, let me know and I will match Adventurers #4 and $5!

Now!

Reach out to MaryBeth to advise which Adventure you are interested in! Contact MaryBeth at 703-863-3292 OR marybeth.gaige@gmail.com (include “Tim Memorial” in an email). Please reach out soonest if you know you want to join to reserve your tickets!

I hope you can join us!

Some pics of years past:

Annabelle and Tim’s friend Jared before the 2024 DC United game

At Daddy’s brick before the 2024 DC United Game

Crew at Tim’s brick before the 2023 DC United game

Kids and I before the 2023 DC United game

Second Annual Tim Gaige Memorial Event in 2019 at PNats

Tim and Annabelle at a DC United at RFK in 2017

Party of 5 at a summer 2016 Potomac Nationals game

A letter to Tim at Seven years

Dear Tim,

It’s hard to imagine that it’s been 7 years today since I watched you take your last breaths.

Yesterday my bestie asked me what my plan was for today. I rattled off that I was leaving work early for one of the kid’s end of year party, but I also had to stalk a retailer who sold me a product without all the parts and I am pissed and I need it for Friday and I was so worked up I thought “why are you asking me about my plans for a random Tuesday?”

Then I remembered.

I didn’t forget. When I saw the date of that particular school party I signed up because I liked the reason to work a half day on that day… I never quite know how today will hit, or what to expect.

I remember at your bedside when I knew it was the day, I told you I wouldn’t make a big deal of this date, because you would not have wanted that. Since then, I’ve looked back and smiled because you know me. I remember dates. It’s who I am. And I know you would not fault me for that. But to stay close to my word, I’ve never made a big deal of this date with the kids. Your birthday or father’s day will be celebrated, but this date I try to slip under the radar for the kids. But I can’t change who I am, and this date will always jump off the page for me. Like all things in this life without you, I find the best compromise.

I did something different this year though with your #1 girl. She is at a tough age. You adored her and yet she challenged you. I can only imagine the challenges she’d have brought you (too) as a pre-teen-almost-teenager. In preparation for this time of year I spoke with her pre-mother’s day and said I was going to be very real with her – this time of year is challenging for me. If I am shorter fused, if I get set off and yell at her more quickly and easily this time of year I wanted her to know its not her. I wanted her to know why. This turned into both of us crying, and both of us sharing memories of you, and I was so glad I did it. I told her it was just between us. And she kept that. I think she appreciated the confidence.

I think you’d have loved that if only for a moment, when asked last night my plans for today, I did not immediately understand the question. It’s probably one of the best gifts I could give you at this point.

There are some moments when I am glad you are not here for certain things. There are some unpleasant aspects of growing older that you’d have hated. There are some moments in parenthood that would break your heart. There are some happenings in the world, I can be glad you never saw. But they are few and they pale to the things I absolutely loathe that you miss. This gives me perspective.

There are so many regular moments that you’d have given anything to be here with me, with the kids. In every accomplishment, milestone, or struggle, I can feel you in my heart, and the missing you still takes my breath away. I have the challenging parenting moments where I think “how did you leave me with this?” but it’s the good moments (big and small) that you miss with the kids, that hit me the hardest.

In my more selfish moments, I grieve the person that I could not be because you are not here. In my heart, I hope you see me, and are proud of the person I have become without you here.

I hope that whatever is out there beyond this life, you are at peace, but you feel all the love we have for you.

After all this time. Always, MaryBeth

“I cry a lot but I am so productive, it’s an art.” ~ Taylor Swift

The 2024 Tim Gaige Memorial Sporting Event

We had so much fun remembering Tim with DC United last summer, we are doing it again. Some pics of last year’s event below. Hope you can join us!

Details:

Saturday, June 1st at 7:30pm, D.C. United vs. Toronto FC at Audi Field

To reserve your tickets, contact MaryBeth at 703-863-3292 OR marybeth.gaige@gmail.com. The first 77 tickets are guaranteed at $45 per person, with a portion of the ticket price going to Together Rising, and still less than standard ticket price! Please reach out soonest if you know you want to join! (This year we will be sitting on the side with the setting sun to our backs!)

Plan to arrive early, and pre-game with fans of Tim Gaige and the Soccer! Kickoff at 7:30, gates open at 6, party at the pitch (outside the stadium) starts at 4:30.

If desired you can pre reserve parking on spot hero:https://spothero.com/search?kind=destination&id=72485&view=dl

If you are unable to join us and simply want to give directly to Together Rising in Tim’s name: https://fundraise.givesmart.com/vf/TimGaige/team/2024

To read more about why I chose to benefit Together Rising, you can go to my 2018 post.

*Tim and MB at a DC United Game in 2007*

*Tim and A at a DC United game, April 2017*

*Tim posing with his girls before leaving for a DC United game, April 2017*

*Gaige kiddos at D.C. United game, September 2022, posing with Daddy’s brick*

Early crowd for the Memorial Event June 24, 2023!

D posing with his Party at the Pitch Face paint, pre game June 24, 2023

Pre-game at Memorial Event June 24, 2o23

Kids pose with Talon before the game, June 24, 2023

Six years, learning to take my own advice

This time of year is heavy. Each year, it comes around and I think it will be less so, with the passage of time. And each year, I am wrong. As I wrote in my post Pain, my body remembers. It’s that simple.

This year seemed poignant because all the days of the week lined up with the dates as they did 6 years ago. When he first got sick, diagnosed, each and every milestone. I try to logic my way out of it. Why is this time hard? It actually happened 6 years ago. It’s not actually happening again.

In some ways, it happens every day. In some way or another, I feel the loss of him, each and every day. I have moments where I feel so very robbed, I feel how much he was robbed, and how much the kids were robbed, and in unexpected moments, they feel it (and share it) too. This life is full of gut punches.

But this time of year is simply hard. I do get great feeling from reflecting on the memories. Particularly on the ways in which people showed up. So many different ways. And in the ways they keep showing up. I’ve run into people in the last year that I haven’t seen since we lost Tim. They have shared stories of their experience of watching the news of Tim’s death unfold from afar, their own reactions to it, in some cases, how it changed the course of their lives. Some have shared memories of Tim that I never knew. I’ve also had to tell people the story. New acquaintances, parents of A,R, and D’s friends or teammates. It is always tricky to share the story. It’s a heavy story for small talk, but it is integral to our lives, so sometimes it must be shared, as much as I know it can deeply affect others.

This past year has included many changes for us. Joyful times, and difficult ones. I’ve felt myself often in the midst of quite a “midlife metamorphosis” and I have often questioned my own decisions. In all ways, but particularly in parenting. I wear the mantle of making decisions for all of us, and it can be a heavy one to bear, full of second-guessing, and shaming myself.

Over the years, I have loved to speak to other widows and widowers about our experiences. When I do, I always encourage them to be gentle with themselves. I encourage others in any heart break to go with their gut, to not “should” themselves, question or shame, but trust their instincts to make the best decision available at the time, and know that they are building a beautiful life. When difficult moments come, or one finds themselves on the wrong path, love themselves, and find the way to course-correct. You don’t always have to DO or fix. Sometimes your home, your world, your life will be messy. Sometimes you accept, sometimes you just have to rest.

This life of mine is full of gut punches, difficult conversations, and challenging choices. I also have moments where I look around and see how incredibly blessed I am. I know in aging, how much Tim would prefer to be here with the new wrinkles or pains. I know how much he’d love to wake up surrounded by the three beautiful souls he helped create, who I wake up to every morning. We wake up with a roof over our heads, and food to eat, love to share.

The only thing I can do, is take things one day at a time. I may not always succeed, but I try to take my own advice, and be gentle with myself.

Its time: to bring back the Annual Tim Gaige Memorial Event

In 2018 and 2019, we had phenomenal Tim Gaige Memorial Sporting Events! So much fun getting together, enjoying a sporting event, remembering Tim, and raising money for an excellent organization, Together Rising, to transform collective heartbreak into effective action!

In 2020, after the Potomac Nationals moved their stadium further south, I decided it was time for a change and planned the Third Annual Event for Audi Field, to see a D.C. United game. I was unsure what the change to soccer, and downtown DC, would bring for our event. I was clueless what a Global Pandemic would bring!

I had to cancel the 2020 event, and in 2021 and 2022, it still didn’t feel right. This year, I am ready to get us together again!

Details:

Saturday, June 24th at 7:30pm, D.C. United vs. FC Cincinnati at Audi Field

To reserve your tickets, contact MaryBeth at 703-863-3292 OR marybeth.gaige@gmail.com. The first 60 tickets are guaranteed at $40 per person, with a portion of the ticket price going to Together Rising, and still less than standard ticket price! I’ll get more if I need to, but reach out soonest if you know you want to join!

Link for parking: FC Cincinnati at D.C. United Parking (06/24/2023) | SpotHero

Plan to arrive early, and pre-game with fans of Tim Gaige and the Soccer! Kickoff at 7:30, gates open at 6, party at the pitch (outside the stadium) starts at 4:30.

If you are unable to join us and simply want to give directly to Together Rising in Tim’s name: https://fundraise.givesmart.com/vf/TimGaige/team/2023

To read more about why I chose to benefit Together Rising, you can go to my 2018 post.

Mom and Dad’s day out: Tim and MB at a DC United game in 2014

Saying Goodbye

I shared this on Social Media on July 7, 2022:

Today was a deeply sad day for the kids and me.

Over 14 years ago, Timmy Gaige and I met Benjamin Joseph Saunders-Gaige at a Homeward Trails adoption event, and not long after he came to live with us. Tim made him an email address and a Facebook account, and let him up on the bed when I was traveling for work. We took him camping, and basically any place we could get away with. We knew we drove some people crazy with our obsession with him…. But then he always won them over!

Almost 11 years ago we started bringing home strange new beings who took all of our time and attention. Yet he watched over them. And always (from the beginning through today) his Dr. Julianne Fisher was there for us and for him.

Nearly 17 years, a million squirrels chased, walks, hikes, runs, pats, kisses, belly rubs, tears in your fur, 2 surgeries, countless roadtrips. You were my constant companion. You loved my babies like your own.

I know how much you missed Tim. How much you lit up when you heard his voice on video after he was gone.

I know he is waiting for you on the other side of that rainbow bridge. I will miss you so much, BJ, as do your human siblings, but I know how happy you are to be together again with the tall one. I will dream of your reunion.

I can’t wait to see you again, it’s only a matter of time. I will take my time… I have more living and loving to do, but I will see you both again when my time is up!

#always

I have no doubts or regrets regarding how we handled the end of BJ’s life. It was his time, and I am so glad that he was able to go peacefully, with a mouth full of chocolate – kisses and reese’s – surrounded by the ladies who have loved him most. Here are some photos of the end that I didn’t share on social media:

Saying Goodbye surrounded by those who love him with our whole hearts.

I remained calm and steady here up until I held his paw and said to him “Say hi to Daddy for us.” And then the tears flowed.

It’s not the first time I held someone I loved until they stopped breathing. Different, yes. But there is something universal and other-worldly about those last breaths. Something about being with someone you love at that moment when they cross to the other side. Something beautiful and gut-wrenching and breath-taking and indescribable.

Even though I knew then and know now that it was for the best, that he went in the best possible way, and I am so grateful for that – it doesn’t lessen just how much I miss that companion. When I am the first one home, I open the door expecting to see him. I still expect to see him next to me when I wake up. I thought the loss of our dog would be dwarfed by the incredible weight of the loss of Tim. I was wrong.

What an incredible testament to the boundlessness of the human heart’s capacity to love.

Afterall, grief is the price we pay for love. (I believe Queen Elizabeth II is creditted with this one.)

The price is high, but I will keep on paying it. There is no other way.

Life check

There are a lot of memories for me today… 5 years ago today was the last time I heard Tim’s voice. It was the day that I decided to take him to the hospital, and he never came home. I wrote about this a bit in my letters: A year without your Voice and Another year without your voice.

Today, I want to reflect on this past weekend. I chose to go out to Vegas with my 3 best friends from college for a reunion weekend and an all day Music fest: Lovers and Friends. I know that everything is a risk. Especially these days, with covid (less life-threatening thanks to vaccines) but still rampant. Especially, because we live in America.

My friend Anne was ready to go before the headliners, so we walked her to the gate and told her to get an Uber not the bus back to her hotel.

Shruti, Stacia and I went back in, to the main stage area for TLC (which was awesome). Next up was Usher, Ludacris and lil Jon on the main stage. It was a break so we sat down on the ground. There were a good number of people around us also sitting down. There was DJ music, so medium loud but the three of us were chatting. I was beat. Closed my eyes a few times. Trying to think if Stacia and I could convince Shruti to leave before Lauryn Hill, because it was a long day standing on blacktop that was hotter than the surface of the sun and I was whooped. All of the sudden Shruti says “Get up! Get up! Get up!” I look back and see a wave of humans coming at me in the dark. Shruti grabs Stacia, Stacia grabs me, I grip my water bottle and hat (which I ripped off my head) And Stacia for dear life and RUN! People were ducking and running but very little screaming. It was so scary but the crowd was so NICE! Everyone who touched me was gentle like they didn’t want to hurt me but wanted me to know they were there/ to move forward. We rushed towards the stage and ended up near the front, Shruti pulled us to side thinking of getting trampled and we ended up near a security gate to the VIP section and people started jumping it. No one knew what was happening but there was a buzz of possible gun fire. (Because we live in America) I strained hard to listen. It was absolutely terrifying. I’ve never been in a situation like that before. I managed to be afraid both of getting trampled and of being shot at the same time. People were trying desperately to stay together with their people, and also move in the right direction, and keep each other safe. Stacia started shaking with repressed sobs and I nearly lost it too. I immediately thought “I cannot let my children be orphaned because I wanted to go to a concert.” Somehow this steadied me. I knew I had to keep my senses sharp and remain in control.

When we got to the fence, Shruti struggled to get over it and people helped her. When we got over into VIP we were able to head towards a VIP exit but still no one knew what was happening. But we were ready to get out! We got back to the hotel where we parked, and asked security for first aid because Shruti’s foot was bleeding. Some random concert goers stopped and had bandaids, gauze etc in their clear plastic bag. Stacia and Shruti had some things in a locker, that we will never see again but thank God Stacia had her car keys! (She also had my sunglasses and I had everything else I brought, phone, wallet in my skirt pockets.) It took a long time to get out of the garage but we eventually made it home to Stacia’s house. While exiting we heard Usher and realized that they kept playing! But clearly, we were done.

The music was absolutely phenomenal, but it’s definitely my last festival. That’s not a risk I need to take. Earlier in the day, I thought the heat was the big drama. I will always hold close that in the heat of the moment, Shruti saved my life.

In all things, I wonder #WWTD. I know he’d have understood my desire to go. He’d have wanted me to see my friends. He’d have encouraged it. I went out to Vegas with those 3 when I was very pregnant with D in 2016. I am a person who knows deep in my bones that no matter what precautions you take – tragedy can strike. That even when you marry a man with excellent family history, who takes little to no risks, follows all the rules, avoids tobacco, drugs, motorcycles, firearms… you can get hit with a perfect storm of nearly unbelievable disease and he can die at 37 years old in the prime of his life.

I live in the balance between carpe diem and which risks are too much.

I came home today. I held my babies close. I told them the story. I held HIS babies close.

I reread tonight Another year without your voice and I am reminded how much I’d want to share not only our children, but this world we live in with Tim. I watched one of my friend’s husband’s respond to what we went through and I saw Tim. This, remains so true today:

I’d want to tell you about the disappointing things going on in our country and in the world… I’d want to hear your outrage – not because I want you to be upset, but because it always inspired me, and because I’d know there was one more white male in this country who GOT IT. I’d want to tell you what has happened with me, with my work, ask your advice, report on friends, with other family.. well, I’d want to tell you everything. But you probably wouldn’t let me get to it if we were short on time. All you’d want to hear would be our children. I wish you could see them now! I like to believe you can. I wish we could see you! I guess I do. I see so much of you in them every day. No matter what, you live on in us.
Another year without your voice

On the very same day that I experienced this, in Buffalo, NY, a city that my Tim loved with his whole heart, from his camp days – experienced a terrible white supremacist’s massacre in a super market in a predominantly black neighborhood.

The terrifying experience made me realize just how much I need to appreciate my life. It is, of course, a thing I should have learned 5 years ago when Tim’s took the craziest turn. But all of the things I worry about daily can be reduced to nothing when you consider the sanctity of life. May we remember that, appreciate it, and fight for it always, not in cells that are growing as a part of a woman’s body, but full, live humans of every race, religion, orientation, gender identity.

May we all offer each other every day the same love, grace, and respect I experienced from the Lovers and Friends festival-goers of May 14, 2022.

War

This evening I read my kids some information on the current situation in Ukraine, because I like them to hear messages from me, of which I approve since I know the girls especially are hearing plenty at school… The girls asked good questions and we talked through their questions, thoughts and fears, with what I do know, and shared that there is much about the current and future situation that I do not know.

D says before bed, “Mom, I’m confused. Does this *evolve me? Because I only care about you.”

He was all tucked into bed, and his eyes were heavy, and I think he was honestly eager for sisters and I to get out of his room after an active weekend… So it was not the time for a full speech on being citizens of the world, or history or how we are affected. I told him that yes, we will be involved but we don’t have to talk any more about it right now, and we can all get some sleep.

I thought about the mothers who do not have that luxury right now. The mothers who’s children will not ask if they are involved, because they know too well that they are. Or mothers who can not let their children sleep when they are tired, much less all tucked in in their own warm bed at home. I can not take this for granted.

D’s words also hit me hard in another way. Certainly, there have been many challenges the past 5 years. Only parenting in a pandemic is incredibly humbling. There is a spot light on the aloneness of how I will parent, how I will provide for us through that hardship. There are so many times when I feel so bad at this – so ill-equipped to parent at all, let alone on my own. When D said “because I only care about you” it was such a strong reminder of the role I play in who he is becoming – how to ensure he feels safe, loved, and held. It is heavy. It is an incredible responsibility, but it is also an incredible honor.

I hold that responsibility and honor in my heart tonight. And I hold the mothers around the world who are struggling with their heavy hearts – in the Ukraine, and everywhere in the world where there is sadness, poverty, pain, cruelty, tyranny, or injustice. May we find a way to a better future for our children.

Third Annual Tim Gaige Memorial Event

This year, we are changing up the Tim Gaige memorial sporting event in June to a DC United game! Thanks so much to everyone who came out the last two years! I love that the kids have a fun way to honor and remember Daddy while understanding the importance of giving back to our global community!

This year’s DC United game will be held at 8:00pm on Saturday June 13th, at Audi Field (100 Potomac Ave SW Washington, D.C. 20024),DC United vs. FC Cincinnati. Tim was a big fan of this team, even getting season tickets with his friend, Mark, the last season at RFK. Most unfortunately, Tim never got to a game at the new stadium. But Tim, forever a fan, has a brick at the stadium!

To read more about why I chose to benefit Together Rising, you can go to My 2018 post.

The link to buy tickets is below, $45 each. This year $10 of your ticket will go directly to Together Rising to help people in need. You have to use our specific link to buy tickets for it to go to the fundraiser. (And to get seats together! ) I strongly encourage buying your tickets EARLY for this! Once I figure out the best lot to park in, I will send notes to encourage carpooling and tailgating before the game.

To make it easier to spot me on arrival I plan to wear an orange tshirt again, since it was Tim’s favorite color! I would encourage you to wear orange too if you have it!

Here’s where to go to buy tickets:

https://fevo.me/tgrdcu

For those interested in donating to the cause, but who can not join us for the game:

http://igfn.us/vf/TimGaige